Dear Apple,

I have been putting the iphone 5 through the most rigorous of tests over the last 18 months or so and I am pleased to tell you that it has so far survived being dropped, accidentally thrown across a room and stood on. It has also come through being carried in pockets alongside curb chains, mane combs and large amounts of hay, straw and shavings with only the occasional need to scoop said products from the charging and headphone port. It has also come through being rained on, dropped to wet pavements and also a dunk in a muddy puddle of swamp water.
In the latest test I did for a while believe I had found the point of abuse that your product couldn’t abide, after if was used to crack an egg and then sat for a good 15 minutes in that egg while in a coat pocket it continued bravely on (after a quick wipe down) before a few hours later shutting down completely in protest. However 24 hours later it became the messiah when it once again sprung to life. It was however still feeling the after effects of the egg and was in denial about the existence of the sim card. Still, I was proud of my apple device, after all, it was possibly the poor quality of the sim design not to build in resilience to raw egg but then, 4 days post egging iphone and sim once again saw eye to eye and your product is functioning completely once again.
I do think though that should I ever take said iphone to one of your stores the employee who opened it and saw not only the state of the moisture sensors but also all the ‘stuff’ that has without question gathered in the depths of the device would be in need of support to recover from the experience. I am sorry about that.